When You See What I've Become

“So if I fly too far

Will I still have a place inside your heart
When you see what I've become
Will you love me for who I am, not who I was” 

(Chance Peña) 

At St. Richard’s College Year 11 closing liturgy, I was surprised to hear them sing a song from my own generation, Abba’s ‘Slipping through my Fingers’. It tells of the growing of a child, the adult’s feeling, the fear, of losing her and it speaks of wanting to “freeze the picture”, something that is natural as we grow older. The letting go must be very difficult for parents. 

But, keeping things as they are, holding on to what is – this is not what a young person on the verge of adulthood needs. 

It’s common for me to wake up to a song in the morning, for that song to stay with me through the day, to find myself singing it and, more often than not, I find that God communicates with me in this way. He is telling me something in the song. 

Lately, the song has been ‘I Am Not Who I was’ by Chance Peña and I’m particularly struck by the lines above – lines that I somewhat misquoted to the young people of Year 11.

These young people must fly now. Sometimes they will fly too high or too far, sometimes they will get it wrong but fly they must. Fly and explore the life that is laid out before them. And to do this they will need a place, to know that there is a place to come back to from time to time, a place of safety, a secure place inside the heart of home or of a friend. 

And on returning, they will also need to be loved for who they have become and not for who they were before they left. It is really important that they be allowed to grow, to change, to become other than they were. That they allow themselves to grow and change. Important that they are not trapped in what others expect them to be – whether that be family or friends. That they do not trap themselves either in a fixed way of being but that they have freedom to become who God designed them to be. 

Loving the change that has taken place, that continues to take place in the young can sometimes be very challenging. The little girl I loved, the one who was so excited to see me, this little one grows up to be a teenager who stands in the doorway with hands upon her hips, rolling her eyes in disdain at everything I say. And in my awkwardness I go on saying things that make me look entirely stupid in her eyes. But I must love her in the young lady that she has become and wait for her to change again, to become this beautiful woman with whom I feel at home again! 

There is of course a place in the heart of One who loves them for who they are, not who they’re not – the Heart of Jesus. This is always my appeal to the young that within the privacy of their own heart they maintain a place for Jesus, that they relate to Him, resort to Him, pray to Him. And even if they cannot practise their faith publicly because of peer pressure, or the intolerance of society or anything else – nothing and no one can see what goes on in the privacy of their own heart and soul. No one can interfere with what goes on there. It belongs exclusively to God and to themselves. It is their spiritual identity, and it is necessary for good personal development. 

It is one of the wonderful beauties of life that we continue to grow and change, that we are constantly be recreated more and more into the image of God. 

Something else that happened for me as I was preparing to speak with Year 11. Two people from the Camino to Santiago came into my awareness, people I haven’t had contact with for many years now. One of them, Lorna, wrote to me on Messenger with a photo of her holding my book, ‘One Million Steps to Freedom’, my diary of the Camino. The other was a letter that Aelfred wrote me at the end of the Camino, and it popped up last week as I was going through old photographs. 

Aelfred and I walked together for the first couple of days. He was in his early twenties then and in his youth he taught me something about how different generations and personalities approach an adventure like the Camino. 

My instinct was to keep things simple by following the yellow arrows that marked out the way. I did that for simplicity and for safety, though finding the arrows was sometimes rather difficult. Aelfred, on the other hand, liked to divert from the set route, taking the road less travelled. He would, of course, always come back to the main route but he allowed himself to experience things that I would never know. He spoke of sleeping out under the stars of the night in utter solitude and I slightly envied him this and very much admired him for it. 

In the context of year 11, many will find themselves leaving the defined routes of life for experiences that will shape who they will become. And in doing this they will need an inner compass that will show them the way, the inner compass of the Holy Spirit who will whisper in their souls, “this is the way, follow it.” (Isaiah 30) 

The Holy Spirit! The previous day I was with friends in a house that borders St. Richard’s playground. We were discussing the Holy Spirit, and it struck me that the Holy Spirit was right there at play in the thousand screaming youths that we could hear. “Ever at play… delighting in the children of men.” 

My final word to Year 11 was on the joy of the Lord that is our strength. Many of them would be going to their Prom that night. They would dance, I’m sure, as the Lord dances with joy over His people. 

“He will renew you with His Love, He will dance with joy because of you.” (Zephaniah 3)