OF YOU MY HEART HAS SPOKEN

At times, very many and long times it seems that God has hidden His face, hidden His very Self. And not only that, but my own love for Him is hidden, my desire for Him is hidden from me and I am left in a desert of the highest dunes – like Abid Lia – neither unhappy nor happy in the intense effort of ascending unsteady sands. Do I love God at all? I often wonder. The awareness of love gets lost in the effort and you just keep going on and on, up and up. Then the question is asked of us in the Alpha Course, “what do you think of Jesus?” Similar to the question that Jesus Himself asks, “who do you say I am?” What do I think of Jesus? The response was instantaneous, a wordless surge within me like the uncorking of champagne, a spontaneous bursting forth of unquestionable love, the joy of my love for Jesus. “He’s the best thing ever!” I said aloud. He is my portion. He is my love. And, of course, as I reflect further I realize that this love that surges within is not my love but God'

  Two experiences have a profound effect on us – the birth of a new baby and the death of someone significant in our lives. We are living through these days of mourning for Queen Elizabeth whose death has impacted us all greatly. Even those who are not monarchists have been surprised by the depth of feeling that has stirred in them. Reflecting on my own feelings, on the tears that have come to my eyes, it has struck me that this death has somehow tapped into all my other griefs, particularly in relation to my mother – the fact that she was born the same year as the Queen and looked very like her. This likeness was attested to by my niece Katie (then aged three) who has no physical memory of my Mother – she was only two months old when my mother died – but she has always had an emotional attachment to Nana Monson and grew up looking at and speaking to her photograph. One evening Queen Elizabeth appeared in a feature in the news on the television and Katie pointed with delight saying